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The Fall kicks ass.

Saturday, July 26, 2003

I only blog when I'm kinda bummed. It makes for lame reading. I'd like to create something more but it seems I have only this one voice. I'm kind of bummed today. Hungover badly, though I only had three drinks. I was bummed and hungover after the first however. Got the icy kissoff from K. the waitress. All business. Just like M. Just like everyone really. People don't like me. If I could figure out why I'd change it. I don't think I'm flawed in any core way, it's more just technique perhaps.

Christ, I'm never going to that bar again! I've been watching, over the last few nights, some other sad, dumb, lonely regular making somewhat suggestive comments to the pretty waitresses. It's truly pathetic. I tend to think I'm not as stupid, and have a bit more pride than that guy but that belief may be pure fantasy. I've decided that if I really want to mix with the heard I'm going to drive to far suburbs and hang out at the most generic bars possible-- TGI Fridays, Red Robin, Stanford's, those sorts of places. I want to be able to believe that I'm nowhere.

I am trying lately to feel what I feel at this very moment. What I feel right now is a pain that comes up from the solar plexus and engulfs me in a wave of sorrow and calm. It's a delicious lonely pain. It's cathartic in itself but it does not last. There's too much misery surrounding it. Explosive anger. The dark cast out side of it in which you have dreams about dying alone.

I'm pretty sure I'll die alone. I'm pretty sure I'll live and die alone. I've seen those 55 year old geeks, cube dwellers, living alone their whole lives, then thrown out in some purge. I'm fascinated and terrified by their fate because it seems almost inevitably my own.

Monday, July 21, 2003

Tried picking up on the lovely K. the waitress this evening. Much chatting from her, mostly with my wingman. She smells like BO. It's not so bad. I like the sound of her voice. Lots of talk about surgeons and bathroom humor. At the very end got cherry picked by some other guy. Bummer. Big, big bummer. I'm so lonely. So painfully lonely... and drunk. What a fucking loser. The drunkenness doesn't help any. I'm not much of a man. Why? I have no charm, I'm not pretty but still I feel I have something to offer but that might not be true at all. I'm a collapsing heap of flesh at the moment. Dead inside. How does one become undead> I just want to give up but I've already given up. Once, 5 years ago I vowed that I'f I'm this pathetic in 10 yrs I'd kill myself. I have 5 left. It would be nice if my parents were dead first. I hope I feel better tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

No entry for a while. Everything seemed like a chore this weekend. I've been backsliding a bit on my new initiatives. Didn't get to the gym either Sat. or Sun. I was physically tired but that wasn't it. Mostly it was backsliding. I've been out drinking a bit lately as well. I only have one or two but that's enough to put me in a bummer mood the next day.

Still no word from V. I left two msgs. with her mother last week but she might have not been home. She might simply not want to talke to me either, who knows?

I need to get some other woman action on the line. I just have so little interest in most women however. God they're dull.

Watched some reality TV this evening. First, Paradise Island. Strange the pecking order that develops. After that I caught a friend of mine's band on cable access. They have a cute girl bass player with platinum blonde hair. I met her once. She wouldn't remember. She was busy hanging on S. who plays guitar in the band. S.'s wife didn't seem to mind the touchy feely too much but all the other girls noticed. These people are all well into their 30s. America really is High School forever...

Damn, just caught a few seconds of Cupid, where the "friend" tries to take the sword from the Aikido guy. Granted, he shouldn't have brought it, but not getting smacked in the mouth is not something most women should just take for granted.

Friday, July 11, 2003

Hmm... just got back from meeting N. I smell like a poodle. Strange setup. One of those huge late 70's rabbit hutch apt. complexes on a highway in a declining suburb just outside of town. There was a fat lady out front pacing back and forth with a sadwhich board looking for new tenants.

The apt. itself was empty save for the bedroom. Candles, lover music, A/C thank god. Lot's of towels. N. is cute, friendly slightly wild eyes. Not quite sure what to make of the encounter just yet. What makes a woman become a prostitute? I mean, drugs n' poverty yeah, but that did not seem to be her deal so much, more of a business person I thought, but then that could just be a front. Recently divorced apparently. Some women must just like it I guess. They enjoy having their whore personality.

She got kind of vocal but I got soft whenever she seemed like she might come. What's up w/that? The junk is just not working these days like it used to. I used to get hard and stay hard forever. Maybe I should lay off the Internet porn? Makes you weak, disappates your energies say those tantric types. I'm thinking there's something to it. Not only that but I have to get in better shape, better stamina! I just felt kind of small and weak.

I think I also want to learn how to dance. Not done with the prostitutes either, I think I need to do it until I can really cut loose and enjoy it.

I hope I didn't catch anything.

Thursday, July 10, 2003

Bored but feeling better today. My moods seem to go in 24 hr swings. Made an apt. with a prostitute tomorrow. Weird eh? I'm not horribly excited but am somewhat. I don't really have any kinky sex fantasies that I'd like to instantiate or anything, I just feel like I have to have some sex to get the ol' libido going again. If I have to pay to prime the pump, then that's what I have to do. It seems practical to me, but I hope this doesn't make me really really sleazy or anything. It seems pretty common if you judge by all people at all points in history, rather than just what's OK for nice white people in America. Like everything in America, the objection here revolves mostly around getting caught.
Heinously depressed today. I wonder why and how to shake it? Stuck on my own nothingness. The fact that I'm the loser yet again. Nothing I do matters. I don't count. It becomes too much of an effort to do much of anything.

I went to the gym today but in the evening. I don't like the evening crowd at the gym. It's why I stopped going. Too many muscle boys. They annoy the hell out of me. I'll never be one. Not a man. I do my exercises but they seem futile. How does one have faith through these times? I believe I am a man but objectively I'm not... how does that disconnect happen? How does one reintegrate? Where do you get the confidence when there's nothing much to be confident in?

It's fucking hot here today.

Sunday, July 06, 2003

Wen't to my parents big wedding aniversary party all morning/afternoon. Many old people there, some of whom had to be chair lifted in by the special bus.

My dad is especially beginning to annoy me. Since retirement he's turning into a fat little woman! Certain things, like he can't control his own dog, or the way he alternately coos at and berates my nephew get on my nerves. They both ignore him as I did as a kid, but still it's sad to watch. I'm thinking of V. and the legacy her father left her of fabulousness about life. The only thing my parents gave me was a deep skepticism in everything I do and a sense that life is for "other" people.

I think why I've been digging such a big hole for myself over the last couple of years is because my first conscious thought was, "Who are these people and how can I escape from them!?" I spent most of my life trying to attain that goal, but sometime in the mid 90's I quit. Either it was because of S. and the way we broke up, or because of the geek cube work I began doing, or because I began to put on a few lbs... I just started to think that there is no escape. I am who I am. I am a product of my environment. My entire life is dictated already. That's why I began with the dope.

For the last 3 yrs or so I haven't been doing that, but I have been living the same life, believing the same things, getting progressively more fat, bitter, and weird. It has to stop.

Saturday, July 05, 2003

Damn, feeling crazy. I didn't do anything physical today. I'm sore from the last couple of days but I should have at least gone for a walk. Made myself some dinner. I've been avoiding cooking because cooking alone for yourself is one of the saddest things I can imagine.

Had a dream about V. this morning shortly before I woke up. I had a dream (more of a vision actually) a couple of days ago as well. She called a friend of mine a couple of days ago drunk on beer and pills. The vision was of her lying dead on a bed somewhere in her black victoria's secret underwear. Nobody thinks it's going to happen to them, but it wouldn't be the first friend of mine to go down like that.

This latest dream was different. I was at a restaurant or maybe a banquet or a wedding. I was seated at a large table with my parents and their friends. V. comes up from behind, drunk, doing the out of control party girl routine, thinking she's charming everyone. I saw the alarm on my parent's faces. I looked around and caught the edges of people's pity and amusement as they turned away. I felt the shame of my attachment to her, but the love and compassion I felt toward her made me feel proud and noble. I was so glad to see her! I wanted to kiss her hair, kiss her brow, hold her cheeks in my palms. I wanted to squeeze her exhausted body to me and murmer and endless stream of compliments and friendly small talk in her ear. I decided to walk her home to her mother's house.

That's where the dream ended but I wish to supply this denoument. We go outside and begin walking home. She's friendly and happy to be leaning on me. After about 10 minutes she decides she wants more beer and has a screaming hissy fit when I won't buy it for her. She runs off in the night and I let her go.

I woke up feeling vaguely hopeless after that. As if I will never break out of being a chump.

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